Bite My Fears-1

With the smothering flour of agony inside me, I wondered how my roommate could sleep cosily in her room adjacent to where I was fretting my eyebrows out. I wondered how anyone in this building of 114 flats, their spouses, kids, in-laws, parents and servants have no doubt whatsoever about the killing agony taking birth inside me.

I thought about it for long, why does another’s pain not affect an, other? How could it not.  I mean, in the very moment it feels as if nothing can stop the body, mind and soul from feeling the most pricking fall into the blackest and emptiest pit. But then, when does this fall occur? In that moment when I clench my jaws and pound the table? Or when I circle mystically my fingers all around the li’l walnut down there in the hunt for an orgasm? An orgams that does not last more than 2 complete seconds. An orgasm that leaves me to wonder what did all the divine ectasy leave after draining my fear, concentration and euphoria!

Aren’t things supposed to be crisp, precise and genuine in their effects and expressions? Then why is it that, I see no concrete anywhere? No passion that is opaque and outstanding the storms? I see the storms. And more fuel for more storms. I see people cringing their brows to suffocate themselves from uttering the slightest of truths. I see them shrinking in their pasted skins to mar the smell of ejaculations and the orgasms. I see them digging up the bottom of their brains in search of an apt story or a tale that can guarantee their efficacy of the vocabulary and intellect. The same vocabulary and intellect that they have borrowed from someone else’s uttering, of the past and of its memories.

Under a lot many moments, I decide with certainity and in vehemence, that, this is it. I do not feel anymore enthusiasm to explore this world or its people. I can see all of them sweating and crawling in the garbages of their realities to register in others, one moment of their efficacy, through the efficient dialogues, deeds and thoughts which are farthest from anything their own. Although, each one fights as it is his own. I’m tired of seeing people wanting to put their stinky noses in the dead man’s butt, all around. I’m tired of waking up in the morning, smiling to welcome the new searing bright day, when it is the sweaty power cut that hails me each time! Yes, that too counts. In this alley of uselessness, just as each of you advocate, my hollow vocabulary also has a thud on its own! Because, now I know, I’m destined to die, sooner than later. Because, I’m done living!

And, I mean, Sooner than later. Too sooner.